Dear Reader,

Several years ago, I made a huge mistake at work. This was the kind of mistake where the consequences weren't just about my personal performance, it could have caused the company serious public harm. Needless to say, I was horrified, terrified, ashamed, and blamed myself deeply. I completely beat myself up over it.

I went to my boss, the CFO, and told them what happened. They accepted my explanation and apology without verbalizing any condemnation, but they were also tight-lipped and visibly displeased. I didn’t blame them. I was displeased with myself and would have responded the same way if our roles were reversed.

My boss told me I would have to tell the CEO (my boss’ boss), and I agreed. I went to the CEO’s office and they welcomed me in, saying how nice it was to see me. I nervously laughed and said “Not for long, you’re going to be mad at me after this”, and told them what happened.

How did the CEO respond to my confession? “Oh Rosie, I could never be mad at you. We all make mistakes. Trust me, I’ve seen a lot worse things happen than this. We’ll figure it out.”

There’s a lot more we could analyze here, and there’s also more to the story (don’t worry, ultimately everything worked out fine and the mistake got fixed).

The main aspect I’d like to focus on is this: what’s the impact on employees when we love them vs. shame them?

I specifically say “employees” vs. “people” because it’s acceptable to talk about love in the context of our personal lives, but it’s unusual or even taboo to talk about love in the context of work. Could there really be a role – no, a need – for love in the workplace?!

What would happen if we didn’t “manage” employees, we…loved them???

Maybe you don’t think what the CEO gave me was love. Maybe you’re thinking, “Come on Rosie, that was just them being nice, or forgiving, or playing good cop, etc.” And maybe you don’t think the CFO shamed me. Maybe you’re thinking, “Come on Rosie, what did you expect? You admitted you made a huge mistake, and the CFO didn’t do anything mean or wrong to you. They didn’t shame you, they just told you to fix it and communicate with the people who needed to know.”

That’s all true, and I’ve thought all those things and more. I’ve also questioned myself a lot about my needs and emotions. Maybe a different person wouldn't feel shame at all in the same interaction with my boss. Maybe a different person would think the CEO was too nice to me, and was a "soft" leader. Maybe I’m weak, overly sensitive, and projecting my guilt and shame on others.

I don't believe there’s a right or wrong response in this situation. I don’t know what my CFO and CEO’s intentions were in how they communicated. Neither of them were jerks or doormats, so I’m sure neither of them were trying to be merciless nor indulgent.

Here’s what I do know. I know that I already blamed myself and felt stupid before I spoke to my boss and their boss. I know that my boss didn’t relieve my stress, worry, or fear, which I accepted, because I didn’t believe I deserved any better. And I know that my CEO did make me feel safe, forgiven, and capable of solving the problem, which lifted a heavy weight from me. My CEO didn’t make me feel any less accountable, but they did help me feel less condemned.

As a result, I was much less stressed, more emotionally stable, and hugely motivated to do my utmost for my CEO.

I had no hard feelings towards the CFO, but no particularly positive ones either.

In contrast, my CEO had my undying loyalty, and still does to this day as my friend.

Whether or not you think it’s "professional" to talk about feelings and shame at work, we need to do it. Because it exists. Our Western colonial performance culture is a shame culture. HR and leadership training talk about “carrots” vs. “sticks” in motivating employees, but the reality is that what they consider “carrots” (bonus pay, office perks, time off) is still leveraged through “sticks” (meeting targets, goals, and performance expectations).

Add on to this the layers of gender-based shame, race-based shame, and other intersections with JEDI issues – well, it’s a big ol’ mess.

So I’m offering a FREE series of Changing Lenses Convos on shame, specifically, Shame Culture. We need to look at shame from a racialized and gender perspective, not just a Western (white) academic “all people experience shame” perspective. The first session is this Wednesday, November 9, at 11:30 am EST (see below for details and future session dates).

I believe the antidote for shame is love. That’s true for corporate workplaces too, because work is part of, not separate from, life.

Reader, what do you think? Is there a place for love even at work? What role does love play in anti-racism and equity?

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Thanks for being part of the Changing Lenses community!
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Warmly,

Rosie

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FREE LINKEDIN AUDIO SERIES

We need to talk about shame. And by shame, I don’t mean the shame that’s been academically researched and popularized by white folks. I mean the shame we’re not talking about.

It’s the shame experienced by racialized folks – especially racialized women – who live in or come from a shame culture. This could be ethnic, e.g. Asian or African, but it’s definitely not limited to nationality or location. Certain religions, for example, and their associated practices/beliefs create a culture of shame.

And that’s what I’m creating space to discuss in this live LinkedIn Audio. I’m hosting a series of Changing Lenses Convos tailored for the racialized, “model minority”, women and marginalized gender identity folks from shame cultures who would like a safe audio-only space to hear from a community of people like me, as we share our experiences, express our frustrations, debrief their impacts, and profess our hopes for a better future. (Racialized men from shame cultures are welcome to join and listen in, but the focus will be given to voices of other gender identities.) 💙
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In this first episode of the Changing Lenses Convo series, Shame Culture: Changing our Lenses on Shame, I’m joined by trauma-informed coach and Filipina-Dutch daughter of immigrants, Sherilyn Trompetter. We’ll be co-hosting an OPEN conversation (attendees are encouraged to join in and share too!) on our respective experiences as racialized women living between two (or more) cultures, and how we’ve been impacted in our careers and lives by shame. We’ll also talk about the cognitive and emotional impacts from shame, fear, and trauma, and the ways we can heal from them, both personally and professionally.

I hope you can join me for this and future episodes on LinkedIn Audio (free to all LinkedIn users) - you can save the future dates in your calendar by clicking on the links below. (There's no requirement to register for these, just join me on LinkedIn Audio when the event starts.)

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MASTERMIND FOR ASIAN WOMEN

New Start Date: January 9, 2023

How free are you to be who you really are?

If your answer to the above is “I’m not sure”, maybe you can relate to some of these thoughts:

• You're exhausted trying to "keep up appearances" while hiding your deep unhappiness
• You prioritize other people's needs and expectations over your own
• You worry that your honest opinions and ideas would cause conflict or offend people
• You're extremely responsible and are quick to blame yourself when anything goes wrong, whether or not it's your fault
• You struggle to separate your self-worth from your performance, position, and accomplishments (both at work and at home)
• As an Asian diaspora woman, you often wonder, “Is it me? Is it Asian culture? Do I have to choose between myself, my family, and my success?”

​Free to Be is a 4-month Mastermind Program to help you go from conforming to transforming. This Mastermind is limited a small group of Asian-identifying women only - because, as one South Asian coaching client said:

Click the links to learn more or enroll today and join an intimate supportive community of women like you! Only 3 spots remain, so if you want to be Free to Be your real self, please don't wait! Registration ends on December 22, 2022.

​Or book a free call with me to explore how you can Change Your Lens, Free Your Mind, and Transform Your Life!

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