Reader, do you ever struggle to celebrate your achievements?

Growing up in my conservative Asian family, I learned to never tell people of my accomplishments (other than my parents, of course). Like, if I got good grades, I never said to anyone, “I’m proud of my good grades!” or “I did well in school!”

It never even occurred to me to think such a thing. I don’t remember my parents ever explicitly telling me “don’t brag about your grades”, but somehow, I learned not to talk about my grades, because that would be perceived as bragging. And bragging — especially in an Asian girl — is BAD.

So the only time my achievements were named was if someone else (not me) said it. Picture this scene: two Asian moms walk into a kitchen (cause they would never go to a bar!)…

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🤦🏻‍♀️ [Facepalm emoji x 100]

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Meritocracy Myth upholds Toxic Humility

That kind of scenario is what I’m calling “toxic humility”. It’s over-attributing negative traits like arrogance to otherwise healthy pride and self-esteem.

Toxic humility is also closely tied with the “meritocracy myth”: that hard work always gets recognized, and good work always gets rewarded. Implicit in this myth is that if you don’t get recognized or rewarded, then you didn’t work hard enough or good enough.

Belief in the meritocracy myth supports toxic humility, because if you’re truly that good, you don’t need to say anything — everyone can see it for themselves!

🤦🏻‍♀️ [Facepalm emoji x 1000]

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The Impacts of Toxic Humility

Needless to say, that’s not how the real world works. Meritocracy is not just a myth, I’d say it’s an outright lie. Even — especially — in the workplace.

To unlearn toxic humility, we first have to see it for what it is. I used to struggle with this because I couldn’t distinguish it from “Asian culture” or “bad parenting”. But studying trauma and social inequity has Changed My Lens, so that now I can see my parents' own internalized beliefs and trauma coping as well as their good intentions and love for me. And I can stop being toxically humble while still being Asian.

Unlearning toxic humility is necessary because it is pervasive, invisible, and impacts our work as well as our personal lives.

(Caveat: I would never say all Asians have toxic humility, or that all people who experience toxic humility are traumatized. Toxic humility is not specific to ethnicity or parenting, and may or may not be traumatizing. Remember, “trauma isn’t just what happens to you, it’s what happens inside you in response to what happened to you” [Gabor Maté].

That being said...)

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How Toxic Humility Presents at Work

Many Asian women have come to me with common concerns that can be linked to a history of toxic humility:

• Struggling to say what’s good about themselves in performance reviews, networking, etc. because it feels boastful or arrogant (even though it’s all true)
• Under-valuing the excellence of their achievements while over-valuing the achievements of others
• Second-guessing the quality of their contributions; needing to hear it from someone else (ideally their boss) to believe it

In popular leadership articles, these behaviours are attributed to "problems" like impostor syndrome, introversion, and self-limiting beliefs.

But through a trauma-informed lens, we see that they're actually learned beliefs internalized from repeated exposure to toxic humility and the meritocracy myth.

As a result, too many amazing women have a hard time believing let alone communicating their amazing-ness to others, or to themselves!

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Unlearning Toxic Humility, Learning Healthy Pride

So in the spirit of liberation from learned beliefs that no longer serve us, I’m taking a bold step.

I’m celebrating myself: an Asian woman with healthy pride and self-esteem, and...an award-winning coach!

That's right, I’m a Top 10 Emerging Executive Coach in Canada!

This truly isn’t easy for me to broadcast. My award was published 6 months ago, and I’ve procrastinated on sharing it publicly, because it “felt wrong” to send a newsletter “bragging” about my award. After all, I’m here to serve you, not to promote myself!

I’ve re-written this newsletter three times because I was trying to send you something informative about trauma recovery and coaching, and not make it “all about me”.

Finally I realized — this mindset is part of my own trauma.

My fear of how you’ll perceive me, that you’ll think I’m too proud or arrogant or selfish, comes from my deeply internalized fears and learned beliefs. You may or may not perceive me this way (and you’re entitled to your opinions without judgment), but I wasn’t acting on what you actually think, I was acting on what I’m afraid you’ll think. There’s a huge difference!

Changing My Lens and seeing my fears is how I overcame my procrastination and toxic humility to finally share my award with you — along with my struggles about sharing it.

Because I don’t want to be afraid anymore.

I don’t need other people to validate my achievements. I no longer care to make everyone like me.

I JUST WANT TO LIKE MYSELF.

That includes celebrating myself and my life journey, without fear, with healthy self-worth.

(If you want to read more about my Top 10 Emerging Coaches in Canada award, please scroll down for more details.)

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What Will You Celebrate?

Right now, what feels good and authentic to me is to end this letter by celebrating YOU.

Reader, if you’re open to it, I invite you to take a moment and self-reflect on these questions:

• What messages have you received about naming and celebrating your achievements?
• What qualified as “achievement” from your caregivers and community?
• How do you feel about those messages and qualifications now? Is that different or the same as how you felt at the time?
• Are there any things from your past you wish had been celebrated more?
• Are there any things you want to honour / recognize now?
• What’s one thing you want to carry with you into 2025?
• What’s one thing you want to leave behind?

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Reader, I celebrate and honour you for who you are. You are worthy of respect, recognition, and love, just as are you, without any need to do or accomplish anything!

May you continue to grow in healthy self-worth, authentic happiness and hope. By choosing to Change Your Lens and envision a better world, you contribute to making that a reality. Your engagement and support keep me going, especially in the face of depressing world events. THANK YOU!

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Warmly,

Rosie

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P.S. I’m also celebrating my one-year adopti-versary with my beloved cat Earl Grey! Please keep scrolling to see our special holiday photo and message to you!

The Need for Un-Executive Coaching™

(as described by a white male executive coach)

Coming just one year after being certified as a Trauma Recovery Coach, I’m amazed at how fast things are moving, and encouraged that my mission is being affirmed.

Of course, the irony that my Un-Executive Coaching™ is getting an executive coaching award is not lost on me 😂. A key principle of Un-Executive Coaching™ is that traditional executive coaching upholds oppressive and discriminatory standards inherent in Western workplaces.

So I was even more encouraged to read this separate article in the magazine by a white-presenting man who says:

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Finally! Yes!! Coaching that follows “THE methodology” (as prescribed by yet another white-dominant patriarchal institute) contradicts the very concept of DEI.

My clients come to me because I offer coaching that is tailored for their gender, culture, and mental health. The goal is to improve their executive functioning, not their “executive presence”.

And I acknowledge that traditional executive coaching has its place, and there are racialized women who resonate better with that than my Un-Executive Coaching™. That’s totally OK and valid. I’m not going say I’m the best option, because “best” depends entirely on the individual.

And that’s the whole point. I’m here to provide an option where we haven’t had options before.

An optional offering to the status quo, rather than tweaking the status quo offering.

An option that’s trauma-informed and created from scratch for Asian and racialized women.

Does this sounds like the kind of coaching you've been looking for? You’re welcome to book a free Attunement Call and explore Un-Executive Coaching™ with me by clicking the button below:

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To read the full article on my Changing Lenses coaching methodology, click the photo above or this link.

Wishing you Hope, Health, and Happiness

If you are observing any of the December holidays, we wish you much joy and love as you celebrate.

If you’re not observing any particular holidays, we hope you still get some time for yourself to rest, relax, rejuvenate, and kick off 2025 in good health!

Cheers to 2024, and Here’s to 2025 🥂🍾! May there be better times to come, and may we be strengthened and equipped to make them happen!

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