Reader, have you ever tried telling a screaming toddler to “calm down” or “use your words”?

If you have, you probably only tried it once 😂 Because like many of us, you may have quickly realized how futile it is to tell a toddler to stop being their authentic self when their needs aren’t being met.

Maybe you never thought of it that way, and I certainly didn’t until I learned about stress and the nervous system. Because the fact is, whether you’re aged 2 or 82, you’re created to feel anger, sadness, happiness, and the whole range of human emotions. It’s built into our autonomic nervous systems to ensure our survival. The hungry baby tells their caregivers they need food, in the only way they know how — with loud, enduring cries.

But when it comes to our workplaces, and our wider societies — not all emotions are considered “professional” or acceptable. Have you ever seen someone crying, and simultaneously apologizing for crying? Being upset is natural; being forced to cover it up is not.

For some of us, the ideals of “professionalism” are so deeply ingrained that we automatically hide or mask our feelings in order to survive at work. Then when something happens that is so upsetting (dysregulating) that we can’t mask anymore, the feelings burst out — maybe in crying, maybe in swearing, maybe in shouting.

And then we apologize — or we get punished.

Like that one time, in my office...

I’ll never forget the time I burst into tears in my office when a senior executive yelled at me on the phone. I don’t remember what we were arguing about or even what he said, I just remember him yelling, and me yelling back, and the rising tension in my body, until eventually I burst into tears.

(Side note: that’s what trauma does to our memories. Studies show that the brains of traumatized people encode the sensations of their trauma, but when it comes to recall, they may have difficulty verbalizing details of events. Which is why victims testifying in court may not recall the criminal’s exact words and actions, but may vividly remember their tone of voice, how they smelled, etc.)

Back to my story…as soon as I started crying (I was still on the phone with the dude), he immediately stopped yelling. Again, I don’t remember what he said — in my memory, his tone became placating (not conciliatory) and he told me (not asked me) to come to his office so we could talk things over.

I bless and curse the part of me that rebelled against taking orders from this white British man (who, by the way, “everyone knew” was bad tempered and abrasive). The rational thing to do would obviously be to obey my superior, go to his office, and try to save my plummeting career.

I don’t really know why I didn’t. Maybe I had enough experience to know that he couldn’t force me to do anything. Maybe I realized it was in nobody’s best interest for me to talk to him at that moment.

Knowing what I know now, I think my nervous system forced me to do what I authentically needed for my emotional survival — though perhaps not my professional survival.

I told that man “No”, slammed the phone down, and kept crying in my tiny office (rather than getting the f*#$ out of there like I desperately wanted, but couldn’t figure out how to do without everyone seeing me bawling).

It turns out what I did instinctively is known as completing the stress response cycle.

The Professionalization of Calm

Through a science lens, we can see that humans (and all mammals) are biologically designed to survive danger by first mobilizing to escape, and if that doesn’t work, shutting down and collapsing.

What may be less obvious is that our emotions also play a key role. Not only do anger, fear, etc. alert us to the presence of danger, they also motivate and energize us to deal with it. If you think about it, not feeling angry or afraid when threatened can be more dangerous than the threat itself.

But what happens if, instead of letting all that survival energy take its natural course, it gets clamped down and suppressed? What happens inside us when we’re told “Don’t raise your voice to your elders”, or “Getting angry won’t help you,” or similar invalidating messages that boil down to the same thing: “Calm down or face the consequences.”

​

Masking Keeps Us Alive...and Keeps Us From Living

Reader, have you ever been in that position? If so, maybe you were able to mask your anger by lowering your voice, slowing your speech, even pasting a smile on your face. Because we do what we need to do to survive in the external world.

But internally, I bet your anger didn’t go away. Maybe it even amplified.

And when that happens, our authentic selves — physiologically speaking, our autonomic nervous system — doesn’t deactivate. We know we’re still under threat, maybe even more so after showing our anger.

We may appear to “deactivate” on the outside, but our insides are still churning, our hearts are still pumping, our limbs are still shaking.

And if this happens chronically, like in a workplace where microaggressions, layoffs, and unreasonable workloads are the norm — then we will chronically be in stress/alert mode, without the release of fighting or fleeing. Which has a ton of negative health impacts on top of burnout and mental illness.

So in my case, when I raised my voice after the executive raised his voice, and when I burst into tears during his tirade against me — I was unconsciously going through the natural process to move through stress and return to homeostasis without masking my emotions. It was unintentional (I truly couldn’t help it), and I have no regrets, even now. Especially now.

Because now I know it would have been more harmful in the long run if I had masked, “calmed down”, and met with my oppressor. I would still have been furious with him, and I would still be afraid for my career. On top of that, I would’ve had to play nice and pretend to want to call a truce. Which I definitely did not.

​

Un-Masking Requires Power and Resources

In many ways, I was very lucky. I didn’t get fired. My VP empathized enough with me not to hold it against me (much) — though I think that had more to do with the dude’s nasty rep than my behaviour.

What did happen is I got gaslit into attending anger management training. (Long story.)

I quit two years later.

Before I sign off, I think it’s important to emphasize that I’m not saying yelling, crying, and aggression is 100% OK and appropriate relational behaviour all the time. I don’t condone violence (including emotional and verbal violence), and I certainly don’t think I was faultless in my interaction with the executive.

What I am trying to do is #ChangeYourLens on the corporate norms which default to blaming and shaming “bodies that have less access to power and resources in society”.

Of course emotions are shamed at work. An emotional employee is an unproductive employee. Now the manager has to “deal with” the emotions, which is not only awkward for them, it’s time-sucking. Don’t you realize they have more important things to do, things that actually generate revenue?

And after all, you’re a grown-a$$ person. You’re paid to do a job, not cry at your desk. If you’re not adult enough to handle a few harsh words from your supervisor, go talk to your therapist or call EAP (Employee Assistance Program). Or maybe you’re not strong enough for this job and you should just quit.

​

Sigh…deeeeeep breath. Breathe in…pause…breathe out. Watch some kitten/puppy videos. (If you’re feeling triggered, please repeat as needed.)

​

I was being sarcastic in my description of how “emotional people” get talked to at work, and yet, it’s so very representative of the internalized self-talk I hear from my coachees. That’s why I’m writing this to you today.

Your anger, sadness, indignation, all of it…they’re valid. YOU’RE valid. Your feelings are a normal response to an stressful situation.

What's not normal is for you to “keep calm and carry on” when you feel anxious or stressed — it’s just been normalized by oppressive systems as a means of control.

So the next time you get agitated and worked up at work, yes, you may have to temporarily mask your feelings to survive.

And the first chance you get, I suggest trying one or more of the somatic exercises below to complete your stress response cycle. (Spoiler alert, you don’t have to bawl your eyes out like I did — there are more subtle ways to do it 😂.)

​

Reader, if you do try any of these exercises, I’d love to hear how it went for you. Please feel free to email me to share your experience. And of course, please email me if you have any questions about any of this! I love hearing from like-hearted community members.

Wishing you wellness,

Rosie ​Trauma Certified Intersectional Coach for Intersectional Folks​ ​​

​

Somatic Exercises to Complete the
Stress Response Cycle

There’s a big difference between calming down and being calm.

Calming down, through a nervous system lens, involves experiencing your stress, moving through it (by exerting energy), and coming out of it — literally coming down from the high energy of being triggered/stressed. When you calm down, you feel calmer.

Being calm, through a systemic inequity lens, involves externally projecting calmness to help people around you feel more comfortable, regardless of how you truly feel inside. When you act calm, other people feel calmer.

An alternative to acting calm is to complete the stress response cycle, which allows you to both calm down and become more calm.

In her Befriending the Nervous System course, Linda Thai says:

Some ways to do that include:

• Tensing every muscle in your body and letting go. Then notice what emerges for you after that.
• Dancing and shaking your body.
• Doing high intensity physical activity, e.g. burpees, jumping jacks, push ups.
• Watching funny videos and laughing. (Laughter helps to release the diaphragm and brings the social engagement system back online.)
• A good cry. (Like I did in my office!)
• A 20-second hug. (This can be a self-hug too!)

​

​More Resources to Change Your Lens​

Video Resources:

• ​Linda Thai on Completing the Stress Response Cycle for Flight (different from Fight/anger):
• Polyvagal Institute Video Explainer: Getting Stuck in Survival States​
• Dr. Gabor Maté video: Don’t Ignore Your Own Needs​

Written Resources:

• Somatic Movement Center article: “When the Body Says No: Exploring the Stress-Disease Connection”
• Dr. Gabor Maté article: “The Healing Force Within”
• Polyvagal Institute: “What is Polyvagal Theory?”
• Dr. Bessel van der Kolk: “Trauma and memory” [VAN DER KOLK, B.A. (1998), Trauma and memory. Psychiatry and Clinical Neurosciences, 52: S52-S64].
• Dr. Hans Selye: “The Stress of Life”
• Rupa Marya and Raj Patel: "Inflamed: Deep Medicine and the Anatomy of Injustice"

​